Life is so depressing sometimes.
I guess this is just a general malaise, but the whole ying of it just gets me down. I don't want to spend the rest of my life sitting on my ass doing nothing, making nothing, contributing nothing and consuming everything I can get my hands on - but am I contributing anything the way things are now?
I love to create. I don't mind working. I don't mind working hard, in fact.
But what am I doing here? What are any of us doing HERE?
I work in a cubicle. Suffice it to say, my daily grind work isn't saving the planet. There are probably billions of people out there who are experiencing a similar work life and my question is why haven't we all perished from unhappiness?
Is it because most of us don't know any better?
Pshha, I wish. I wish I didn't know any better. I look forward to the end of my work day with the kind of zeal and anticipation small children experience on Christmas Eve. I get to go home to Greg.
If I could do anything all day, every day, it'd be to hang out with my husband. He's my best friend ever. I'm pretty much a lunatic all the time - but for some reason, he appreciates that. Making him laugh is just so much fun for me - even though when I DO make him laugh, I usually give him a hard time about it, "Why are you laughing at me!!!". He's not perfect, and neither am I. I think I'm a whole lot less perfect than him though.
I mean, hypothetically, if I told you I was married to a guy that does all the cooking, cleaning up, laundry, house work, yard work, pet grooming, and home repairs... who also gives free and constant foot, back or scalp massages, runs baths, loves to cuddle, looks great with his shirt off, and never forgets our anniversary... You'd probably tell me to clone him or get off my ass and help out with that ironing.
So, is there some secret way I can stay home all day with him - hang out all day, every day, with him - and still have our needs met?
There's part of my brain that short circuits at this point in the thought process because I simply can't remedy my current employment with the possibility that I could do something for WORK that would make me happy- other than to be a stay-at-home mom. Because although I'm pretty darn sure that would be exceedingly difficult, trying, dirty, tiring work - I'm also pretty sure it would make me happier than what I do now. But having babies wouldn't allow me to hang out with my best friend more - I'm quite sure it will decrease our time spent together.
I guess this is all to say that despite the fact that I've not found my path in one aspect of my life (employment), I'm dead on track on this other one, hand in hand with Greg. That makes me a lucky lucky girl. It also makes me greedy - because I want more. The question is, can I have it? And sadly, I'm almost sure I can't.
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3 comments:
You are definately not alone!!
I do believe, though, that we have to do our best to focus on the positive. The things that are good, and the things that we are succesfull in doing.
Keep your chin up! And feel better soon!
How wonderful for you to have such an awareness of what you and your husband have together. Keep right on lovin' on eachother when you can. I have a friend, 32 years old. Two months after she had her first child she was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer spread to the liver and lungs. She's fighting with all shes got. It is such a reality check.
Work is also a reality for you, but it's not your life. Your freedom will come, if you want it to happen it will.
I totally believe you can have it all. A few years ago I ditched my engineering career because I wasn't loving it. Working in a cube all day doing stuff that didn't really matter that wasn't challenging me.... and seeing no clear path to anything better while staying in my field. We moved to a new city, I went back to school and now I'm in a new career that I LOVE (sometimes a bit too much). Going to work 5 days a week can still be a drag sometimes (when there's so much crafting to be done) but it's much better. If you can find a way - I say find a path to something that will make you happy. Life is too long to spend 5 days a week doing something soul-crushingly depressing/boring/unsatisfying!
(This is all with the footnote that I was lucky enough that my Gregg could and was happy to support me as a poor, income-less student for 2 years while I switched careers and doesn't mind my reduced earning power that has resulted.)
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