Dating back to early childhood, I've always had a major mental block when it comes to referring to adults by their first name.
My parents instilled a very strict sense of courtesy in me, even to the point where I had trouble shaking my carefully drilled phone greeting even after entering college. The incessant mocking freshman year helped to rid me of my well-practiced, "Hello, this is Megan, How may I help you?"
Not that I'm not going to drill the very same phrase into my children when the time comes. I can't tell you how many surprised and delighted compliments I got after answering the phone that way as a kid.
When I was in Fourth Grade or so, my mom started taking me to a ceramics class in someone's basement in a nearby very well-to-do neighborhood. This woman had her own kiln in the basement and she charged a single fee for one hour of ceramic heaven. You were allowed to choose one piece at a time and then you could paint it or glaze it etc. I don't know how many weeks upon weeks I participated. In the very beginning, the woman incharge shook my small hand and said "You can call me Lee".
This was So Very Wrong to me. For months the most I could bring myself to say was "Um, excuse me?" to get her attention. It was terrifying not to know how to address this woman. It violated the order of things for her to ask me to call her by her first name.
I don't know if my fear stemmed from what my parents might do to me if they found out I called an adult by their first name, or if it stemmed from a genuine sense of CHAOS... but it took me months to just be able to look at the floor and say her first name, let alone in her eyes.
Fast forward about 17 years and here I am, three years married, and still feeling totally and completely awkward about what to call my in-laws.
They're wonderful people. Welcoming and loving.
My brother-in-law's wife calls them by their first names. I believe she does the same with the Grandparents - except for Grammy, who is easily called Grammy.
I'm intimately aware of my awkwardness in this arena. I always thought that when I got married I'd call my in-laws mom and dad just like my parents do with each other's parents.
I blame Greg. He started the awkwardness by calling my parents by their first names the first time he met them and we spent time together.
I think we were playing a board game and he said, "It's your turn, Velma." to my mom, and I just about died and buried myself right there. I swear, it's not that my family's uptight - I think my parents were just fine with him doing that - but it shocked me.
So then, when the time came to be with his parents - even after we were married - I wasn't able to retire into using comfortable monikers like "Sir" or "Ma'am", "Mom" or "Dad"... Instead, I felt weird silent peer-pressure moving me to call them Jim and Joy.
And therein began my awkward dance.
When we play boardgames and I want to remind them its their turn to play - I'll say "It's Green's turn!", When I have to get their attention I tend to move a little closer to them, make eye contact and then speak - without addressing them. On the rare occasion I slip and ACTUALLY refer to them by name, my eyes start to twitch a little and I shift from foot to foot - waiting, perhaps, for a stern, but polite, correction that never comes.
Admittedly, I'm a nutjob.
How do you address these figures in your life? And are you comfortable with that?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Oh my goodness, I have the same problem! I *do not* know what to call my in-laws. Mostly I just never address them directly. It works out fine, but my husband pointed out that not knowing how to address them probably wasn't helping my general not-belonging feeling when around his family.
So if you figure out a way to transition from not calling your in-laws anything to using any particular set of names, let me know!
Oh, my friend's strategy was to have a baby and then see what cute grandparent name they came up with...It didn't work out exactly like she wanted, but it's a strategy!
Both my husband and I have/had the same problem. I'm finally getting comfortable addressing or even speaking of my in laws by their first name - after knowing them almost 9 yrs and being married for 4. I think part of the issue is I was still a kid (18) when we met, so of course I needed to address them as Mr & Mrs. I still sometimes catch myself starting to say Mrs... When speaking to his mom.
On the other hand, I'm pretty sure my husband has chosen the opposite solution. He just never addresses them by name. Seriously in 9 years I'm not sure I've ever heard my husband call my parents anything - except for maybe their first meeting where he addressed the as mr & mrs.
I know you got married young too. You should be able to shake it soon. Just make an effort. From the sounds of it we had very similiar respect upbringing. If I can do it, I know you can!
10 years later and I finally came up with something. Grandma and Grandpa. Ha!
Seriously though, I struggled with this one. My in-laws are also teachers, so all my friends knew them as Mr. and Mrs. Last Name. I compromise and call them Ms. Linda and Mr. Bon (their first names)
I call my in-laws by their first names & have since we first met. My struggle is calling them Mom & Dad. They've asked me to, but I just can't bring myself to do it. They feel like parents to me, but it's become a "thing" for me now so it's very awkward. I have a hard time getting their attention b/c I don't want to use their names anymore either.
I have the exact same problem in reverse.
My boyfriend and I have been together 12 years, and I feel like I should be able to call his parents by their first names (my family is super casual and would find it weird and formal to call anyone Mr. or Mrs. anything after knowing them for more than 10 minutes).... but I have never received explicit permission to call them by their names. So I too just don't ever use any name at all. It's really terrible!
Post a Comment