Would it be somewhat dramatic to say that I'm dying? Perhaps.
And yet I am on the verge of weaving the piles of Halls cough drop wrappers together into a surrender flag and then holding it front of my mouth so that the virus bastards in my lungs can see it waving in the breeze of my constant coughing.
I finally made it to the doctor on Wednesday. It was the first time I'd seen this particular doctor and I almost felt sorry for the guy. I think I could probably handle most of the daily possibilities of doctor-hood, but walking into a room that contains a woman who sounds like a frog and is constantly coughing a 180 mph jet stream of toxic germs into the air is probably not dissimilar to walking in front of a firing squad. He spent almost the entire time staring at a computer screen, typing in all of my symptoms. He took all of 2 seconds to look up my nose and down my throat. Then he told me I had a viral chest cold. I don't even think he utilized his doctor-ness. I'm pretty sure he just looked it up on the internet and I totally could have done that myself, thank you. I went to the doctor for the equivalent of a medicinal nuclear weapon. Instead, he told me that viruses have no antibiotic and I will just have to tough it out - although he did take pity on the whole constant debilitating coughing thing and prescribed an inhaler.
Upon my arrival at the pharmacy, the nice man behind the counter told me that despite the fact that I have a shiny laminated insurance card, my insurance provider doesn't have me in their system AT ALL... At which point I expired right in front of him.
I decided to pay for the inhaler anyway seeing as how the coughing had started to bruise my brain, and I left the pharmacy with a significantly lighter wallet and some Mucinex. Is that not the worst drug name ever? yuck.
You know, I got sick while I was in Italy during college. I was there for a month to study art history - for real, I was an art major - and at some point I got a very sore throat and stuffy nose. Our guide took us to a pharmacy where the nice Italian pharmacist gave me medicine that cost almost nothing, tasted like caramel, cured me completely in less than 2 hours, gave me x-ray vision and temporarily cured all of my acne. There may also have been rainbows and unicorns involved - but the point is that this stuff worked. Why is it that the cough medicine you can get here in the U.S. tastes like essence of minted garbage - and IT DOESN'T EVEN WORK?
Anyway - It's been 8 days. I'm still sick. I'm still coughing enough to inspire people around me to cringe and duck away from me as though I were a harbinger of deadly plague. I went to work on Tuesday, but after my boss offered me a ride home at least twice I thought maybe it would be better to stay home on Wednesday. Then the mattress delivery people called and asked if they could deliver our mattress on Thursday and seeing as how I was still definitively ill, I stayed home again. Nothing has really changed between thursday and today except for my acceptance. Either the virus will give up my body, kill me, or has decided I'm as comfy as a brand new mattress and has opted to stay here for a while.
I will never be healthy again.
This coughing... this brain bruising hacking coughing... will never. ever. cease.
No one will make eye contact with me - it is as though I am playing a game with everyone where I could potentially transmit this plague through a grin and a wink, and then they'd have to keel over and play dead till the detective figures out who the typhoid mary is.
On a side note, I got the perm this past weekend and although it didn't come out CURLY it came out fairly wavy and has STAYED fairly wavy - and *gasp* I like it. Although I may not pay for a perm again, I am at least happy with this result.
So while I may sound and feel as though I'm dying... My hair is fabulous.
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3 comments:
I studied Art History in Italy for a month too!
No guide though.
Where'd you go? I was in Florence. Can't wait to go back someday.
Feel better. Hope I don't catch anything from you, as it sounds like this super virus might be able to travel thru your keyboard across the internet and right into my fingertips.
We were a group of 30 or so women and 2 men. I signed up because one of the Professors that was meant to lead the group is someone I consider to be a genius and I dearly wished to have the experience of being lead through Italy studying my favorite subject with a top expert. However, her husband had some health problems right before we were to leave so she did not accompany us and instead we were met with someone else who was very knowledgeable but .... a bit less singularly driven - more well rounded. It was a great trip. 13 days in Florence and then we traveled through Venice, San Gimignano, Assisi, Rome, Pisa, and a few others.
I have had bronchitis more times that anyone on the planet, so I know how you feel about the brain bruising cough. I always sound like a seal begging for extra fish at a Sea World show. Kinda embarassing... But I am glad to hear about your fab new hair. My hair takes two hours to train into delicious curls only to fall flat before I'm out the front door, so needless to say I'm jealous. Feel better and enjoy you new death bed, I mean mattress.
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