I'm Optimistic about Menopause

I have a compulsion to do with curly hair. I. Must. Have. It.

It is difficult to put into words the base desire I have to be toting a noggin of ringlets - but I shall try.

I have been told a million times that curly hair = a lot of work. I do NOT believe you. I think you are lying to try to make me feel better about having stick straight hair and to keep me out of your curly haired club. I resent it. I can not tell you how disappointed I was that my hair did not curl upon the arrival of puberty -- forget about the wrenching back pain and the diaper slivers I'd have to wear every month... those tears are for my hormone-immune hair.

My curly urge started young and has carried me through hundreds - if not thousands - of tactics for getting my hair to obey: some worked, some didn't. I have put together a list, accompanied by explanations, for some highlights of what I have and have not tried. I hope at least one of us can enjoy my pain.

1) Hot rollers:

These have NEVER worked for me. I have very little patience for singed fingers and burns on my scalp - but even if these injuries can be avoided or at least tolerated - I always get wimpy curls that turn my hair into something that looks like it COULD have been curly, but someone wimped out half way through straightening it - EVEN when I use heavy duty cementing products.

2) Foam curlers:

These work for me, to a point. I don’t know how I do it, but every time, before I set my hair, I envision a mane full of glistening curls and psych myself up for an hour of pruney spray gel fingers and neck cricks. I then spend the night tossing and turning while sleeping on them, trying to convince myself that Foam curlers are just as comfortable as my pillow, even though it feels like they’re becoming embedded in my scalp. Then I wake up as eagerly as if it were Christmas Morning and I carefully unleash… Shirley Temple Curls… on crack.

She’s cute right? She’s also like… 5 years old. I’m 24. If I wanted to be the spitting image of Shirley Temple sticking her finger in an electrical socket, I would find a more interesting way to do it than sleeping on sharp rectangles of plastic disguised as innocent foam cylinders.

3) Plastic Curlers with scary claw holders:

I did set my hair with these. I did go to bed with them in. They did not work. Much. Pain.

4) Plastic Curlers with not-so-scary holders:

These, although worlds more comfortable than the last type of curler, were extremely hard, and much like sleeping with a pillow stuffed with saplings. I do not have time to walk around during the day wearing curlers until, 12 hours later, my hair decides to conform. I do have time to spend an hour setting my hair the night before, and sleeping on them for <8>

5) Long Foam curlers:

These bendable foam curlers were going to be my salvation - they look perfect for creating spiral madness, do they not? However… my expectations were not met when, after setting my hair with them, I discovered that not only do all of them make my head feel like someone tied iron weights to my hair, but they also do not have any sort of fastening device. If you do not wrap the hair JUST so… it will unravel, or partially unravel and then you will have pieces of hair half curled, and long strings of hair that are simply straight and it will come out lookling like this:

6) Vintage-esque curlers:

These were easy to set and not too bad to sleep on. Now, if you can ignore the fact that your hair will look like a poodle perm that a poodle then chewed on… you’re stronger than I am, my friend.

I also tried the above in the variety with plastic arms. They didn’t fasten as easily or permanently as the rubber fastening version. So the result was the same, but the process included bonus! frustration!

7) Self-proclaimed Spiral Curlers

These, I recall, were like trying to sleep on wine cork screws. They also managed to damage my self-esteem. As you can see, they come with a predefined spiral - Supposedly to make it easier for you to figure out how to wrap your hair around in a spiral, right? Wrong. It’s more to point out that your fat hair and your fat fingers can’t possibly handle the delicacy of spiral curls so YOU ARE UNWORTHY!!! GIVE UP NOW!!!

8) Plastic Rods: There were also hard, pink plastic rods that were about 5 inches long each with a half inch diameter that I tried to use several times. They gave me the oh-so-pleasant sensation of having a mini-tree grow out of my head. And trying to sleep on them was like trying to sleep with a sea urchin for hair — also very unsuccessful.

9) Straws:

Using straws as curlers has facilitated one of my most successful curling attempts EVER. It was a lengthy setting process - but I watched Gilmore Girls, so not so bad. It was SUPER easy to sleep on them and they were VERY light weight. The actual curlers (the straws) were cheap - also a plus. They barely shifted over the night, and when I took them out in the morning I had a bajillion tiny perfect spiral curls. Let me stress that again - I had a bajillion, tiny perfect spiral curls. Unfortunately, the curls -- while well-suited for Barbie or My Little Pony -- on my head, looked like a sad version of Medusa wherein you should replace the image of snakes with earth worms.

10) Perm-for-a-day

Perm for a day are these fantastic U shaped curlers. I have had them since I was in 5th grade - so they have pretty good staying power. They are also easy to set, light weight, and fairly easy to sleep on - though the older I get, the more difficult it is to have a good night’s sleep while wearing these honeys. Instead of a traditional round curl, your perseverance with these will award you with zig-zag curls. They are quite 80’s/early 90’s… however I love them dearly. They have a special spot in my heart. And despite the fact that the queer eye guys would probably chastise me for still using them… I do - and I LOVE them. Problem? one at time they have walked away over the years, and currently I am only left with BARELY enough to set my hair in BIG chunks. Second Problem? I can't find them to purchase them anymore.

Before, during and after all of these different purchases of curlers and attempts to break my hair's spirit and bend it to my will… I have also tried curling irons and perms. Curling irons are my friend, but I am not a patient person, so the whole "I’m going to go curl every hair on my head and then watch them individually deflate back into straightness while I’m approaching the half way point" gets to me - but if I (or some very talented Hair stylist) takes the time and has the determination, it can turn out very very well.

Perms, on the other hand, are an entirely different matter. Perhaps in a separate entry I will chronicle the entirety of my Perm experiences, but for now I will leave you with this: I have "bangs" that are 4 inches long now. This is a vast improvement upon the bangs that were a quarter of an inch long and growing since my last perm that went stick-straight, after an $80 bill and 60 minutes of noxious chemicals. It was a scarring experience, and we’ll talk about it later when I don’t tear up at the thought of the mini-mohawk that occupied my natural part for the better part of five months.